Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize