I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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