Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
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Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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