i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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