Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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