i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize