im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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