If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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