Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
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Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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