Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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