yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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