im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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