This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize