apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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