Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize