i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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