One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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