Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
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I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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