i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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