He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
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If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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