my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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