i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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