Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
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ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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