Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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