Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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