I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
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A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize