literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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