Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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