hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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