Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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