Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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