Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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