Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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