plz talk dirty to me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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