I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
