Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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