Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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