do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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