He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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