Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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