Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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