either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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