i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
