You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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