mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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