My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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