I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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