I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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