I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
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just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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