im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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